Day Eleven

This is a post from a prayer journal I’m keeping as part of one of my classes. I wanted to post this because I’m curious about other people’s thoughts. Have you felt this way? What did you do about it? What did God teach you?

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Today was, odd.

I didn’t read my Bible. I didn’t pray, so to speak.

I sat outside in the breeze, and just talked with God. That sounds so cliché when I write it, but I don’t know any other way to put it. I guess it started yesterday. I had a sort of crisis concerning life. Minor, to be sure. I thought about what God wanted from me and where He wants Sarah and I to go, and felt as though I wasn’t trusting Him enough. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but since I have believed for a while that He is calling me to open a Bible School, I thought maybe that’s where I was lacking faith. So I started dwelling upon it.

This morning, when I sat down outside to have some communion, I got through Chambers and just stopped. “Why am I doing this?” I read Ravi Zacharias this morning before my quiet time. His Rebirth or New Birth? is small and an easy read. But all the similarities he pointed out between Hinduism and Christianity really got me thinking (which is the opposite of his goal I think, because he does point out that it’s the differences that we need to concentrate on). What makes Elmer Towns’ faith different from a Hindu’s? The easy answer is: the Living God. But that didn’t satiate my question. Because my question isn’t so much about “is Christianity true?”, blah, blah, blah. I don’t doubt Jesus. I do doubt what the Church prescribes as habits and practices of true faith.

I started wondering why I read my Bible every morning. Am I clinging to something I was taught long ago? Why do I pray the way I do? It’s not the way Jesus instructed, so where did I get it from? Why don’t I get books of prophecy? Am I missing something? Is the issue my doubt?

And it hit me: I doubt. I doubt God frequently. Not His Saving Grace. But His daily interaction in my life? Oh yeah. I believe He wants me to open a Bible School, and that He has ever since He changed my life at Ravencrest in 2001. Yet, I’m only now really considering it. And skeptically, at that. “I need $5,000,000 to get it going, Lord.” But I don’t believe He’s gong to give me any money. And if He did, I fear what would happen if I’m wrong or the School fails. I feel like a borderline Deist right now.

I’m not. But I feel that way.

I don’t live my life as though my God is alive and moving in this world. And that’s sad. More than sad, it’s tragic. What’s the point? If all God did was give me a pass to heaven, why would anyone on this earth want to live a life like mine? Because I’m a good person? I hate when people say that. I’m not a good person. I have good moments, but deep down I’m as wretched as they come. It’s a constant struggle to keep the monster at bay. And it gets harder every day right now. I look for confrontation. I want it. I hide it under the guise of doing what’s right. But that’s not what I’m really after. I want to fight. Something inside is prodding me to look for that perfect window to just slam somebody and watch it all fall apart. I’ve been like this before, and I remember what changed me. God. Jesus. However you want to phrase it. He changed me. And even though the following couple of years were so hard, I came out of it stronger. I came out of it knowing exactly Who saved me. But now, I hardly ever think like that.

Maybe it’s a different stage in faith. Maybe it’s just selfishness taking hold. Whatever it is, I hate it.

But in the midst of that, my conversation with God was good. Maybe He’ll show me what it all means. Or maybe He’ll smack me into some sensible behavior.

I probably owe some people an apology.

And I should make that right.

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